Top 10 Power Phrases to Improve Communication
Brittany of Hautz Counseling, Pennsylvania Brainspotting Practitioner
Queer Trauma Specialist and Neurodivergent Affirming Therapist
How to use Reflective Listening to Promote Understanding and Improve Relationships
Seek to Understand
Before responding, or seeking to be understand, we must first seek to understand. Understanding is the foundation of effective communication. Reflective listening is a powerful tool to support understanding, which Meryl Runion writes of in her book, “Speak Strong.” Below you’ll find a summary of her Power Phrases method.
What is Reflective Listening?
A reflective listener listens for meaning and checks with the speaker to see that a statement has been correctly heard and understood. The goal is to improve mutual understanding. The listener does not judge or react or respond to what is being shared, and instead completely focuses on the speaker.
This may sound easy to do, but effective communication requires practice to develop the skills. Here is a guide you can practice with that outlines the dos, the don’ts, and the Power Phrases to improve communication and improve your relationships.
1. When someone in the conversation becomes defensive, offer to listen reflectively
DON’T: Keep pushing your point and trying to explain.
Why not? It doesn’t work. Resisting resistance intensifies it. Switching into reflective listening breaks the pattern.
POISON PHRASE: “You’re not hearing me.”
DO: Recognize defensiveness as an indication it’s time to slow down and be present to the needs of the other person.
POWER PHRASE: “It seems to me we’re misunderstanding each other. I’d like to practice reflective listening and focus on understanding you completely. Are you open to that?”
2. You might not offer, and instead simply begin reflective listening
DON’T: Attempt to follow this script perfectly to where you sound like a robot.
Why not? It will come across as patronizing.
DO: Be prepared with phrases to keep you focused and practice saying them in a way that is natural to you and matches the situation.
POWER PHRASE: “I’d like to focus on what you’re saying until I get it.”
3. Avoid temptation to switch the focus to you
DON’T: Respond by relating what they say to your own stories and experience.
Why not? It takes the attention off them and puts it back on you, which interrupts the flow and prevents you from fully understanding them.
POISON PHRASE: “That reminds me of when I…”
DO: Speak with the intent of mirroring or reflecting what they are saying.
POWER PHRASE: “It sounds like you…”
4. Let go of judgment and get curious to understand
DON’T: Reflect on the rightness or wrongness of what they are saying.
Why not? Judgment will prevent them from sharing more, which will prevent understanding and communication.
POISON PHRASE: – “I can’t believe you did that.”
DO: Ask for more information. Get curious.
POWER PHRASE: “Tell me more.”
5. Be prepared with neutral phrases to use while they speak
DON’T: Go in without having practiced power phrases.
Why not? If they say something you have an opinion about, your prepared power phrases will help you feel confident in reflective listening.
POISON PHRASE: “You’re overreacting.”
DO: Practice several phrases in advance so that they become natural.
POWER PHRASES: “I want to hear what you have to say.”, “I didn’t know you felt that way. Tell me more.”
6. Mirror what they’re saying in Four areas: the facts, what they think, what they feel, and what they want
DON’T: Switch into evaluation, defensiveness or promoting your own perspective.
Why not? Until you are clear you understand what they are saying and they know and say that you do, you haven’t reached the goal of reflective listening, which is fully accurate mirroring of their message.
POISON PHRASE: “You say I’m always late but you’re wrong. You’re late more often than I am.”
DO: Clarify what you hear them to be telling you, even if you think what they are saying is not completely accurate.
POWER PHRASE: “Let me see if I understand what you are saying. You’re saying I’m habitually late, you think I don’t make our appointments a priority, you feel neglected, and you want me to be on time. Is my understanding correct?”
The facts : “This is the situation…”
What they think : “You think…”
What they feel : “You are feeling…”
What they want : “And you’d like _____ to happen.”
7. Avoids any need to be right
DON’T: Try to prove them wrong and yourself right no matter how much you believe it’s true.
Why not? The more you attempt to be the one that’s right, the more resistance you create. The issue will be left unresolved.
POISON PHRASE: “I can’t believe you even think that.”
DO: Keep your focus on the goal of every moment. During reflective listening, the goal is to understand. You can seek to be understood next, but throughout the process you need to stay away from trying to be right.
POWER PHRASE: “That may be. Please continue,” or “I’m listening, keep going.”
8. Keep reflecting back until they agree that you hear them correctly
DON’T: Try to rush this process. If they don’t think you’ve got it, then you don’t.
Why not? Complete understanding takes time.
POISON PHRASE: “This is taking forever.” or, “I get it, I get it.”
DO: Allow the process as much time as it takes.
POWER PHRASE: “I’m learning a lot. Tell me more.”, or “Would you agree that I understand what you are saying now?”
9. Once they say they feel understood, then ask for your turn
DON’T: Just listen.
Why not? The only way to have complete understanding is to take turns, and ensure you both feel fully understood.
POISON PHRASE: “Okay. My turn.”
DO: Ask them to give you time to express your perspective.
POWER PHRASE: “You agree I understand what you’re saying. Can I have some of your time now to share my experience?”
10. Follow-up with problem-solving techniques
DON’T: Stop talking.
Why not? Once you’ve reached understanding on both sides, it’s important to decide what you’re going to do about the situation.
POISON PHRASE: “We’ve been working with this long enough.”
DO: Resolve the initial concern and problem solve together.
POWER PHRASE: “It feels great to be understanding each other. Lets work together to figure out how we want to handle these situations in the future.”
Reflective listening is a powerful tool for communication
Sometimes people think they’ve said too much when they bring up a concern or issue, and now everyone is upset. Usually though, not enough has been said. Complete knowledge is powerful, and so is complete understanding. Reflective listening is your key to truly understanding one another and resolving a conflict.
To learn more strategies for improving communication in relationships, check out our specialty therapy services available to Pennsylvanian’s. Please explore my website!
